Apple to Remove Annoying Voice Calling Feature From iPhones

photo by United Soybean Board

photo by United Soybean Board

  In tech news this week Apple has confirmed what many have anticipated - the removal of the voice calling feature from its iPhones. iPhone users have been complaining about this antiquated "service" for quite some time now and Apple has been listening. The ubiquitous iPhone rolled out in 2007 and revolutionized the telecommunications industry, but recently the complaints have been louder and more numerous regarding the constant interruptions brought by the voice connectivity features. While consumers have relished the internet capabilities including gaming and shopping as well as many social networking aspects of the iPhone, they feel the voice calling feature is a real nuisance.

  "Sure, we used to talk to folks over the telephone back when we didn't have other options," says Walter Rickey, a soybean farmer from Illinois. "But these days we've got e-mail, texting and what not. I don't have time for random conversations popping up out of the blue. You can't put soybeans on hold."

  Mr. Rickey and the many who feel the same way he does will be glad to know that future iterations of the iPhone will not have the voice calling feature included. Apple will also make available an upgrade for current iPhone models that effectively eliminates the voice calling aspect of the phone. 

  Speaking from the Apple Red and Gold Gala in Fuji, Apple spokeswoman Agnes Braeburn-Smith noted, "Apple has remained at the forefront of technology by listening to our customers and responding to their needs. Of course they will now need to text or e-mail any feedback to Apple. This is just another step forward."


The Onion News Agency Being Sued by its Writing Staff

The satire news agency The Onion has been served a lawsuit in its headquarters in Chicago, Illinois. The suit was brought on by its main writing staff and accuses the artificial news outlet of reckless endangerment in assigning the writers to exotic and hostile environments.
  "I just did a piece on an astronaut who was left behind on the moon during NASA's Apollo missions and has been living solely on cheese and space dust. Well let me tell you, the moon is a harsh, um, environment!" laments longtime Onion correspondent Chuck Luna, "and don't get me started on the Middle East conflict."
 "It was a bipolar bear incident I was researching that put me over the edge" adds Lucy Cannon. "Bears are very dangerous to begin with but when you throw a flippantly imaginary psychological condition into the mix things are bound to get grizzly."
 And it doesn't end there.


Eatery Hooters to Change Name

  A representative from Hooters restaurant chain who's name and address has been withheld at his request has confirmed a recent announcement that the establishment will be changing its name. Hooters, aptly represented by TWO headquarters in Atlanta, Georgia and Clearwater, Florida, has been servicing its customers since its inception on April 1, 1983 with a limited offering of questionably priced middle of the road menu items served by scantily clad "Hooters girls". The restaurant chain has faced increasing criticism recently that its business model is demeaning to women as well as being deemed a non-family friendly dining destination by a growing number of American families. Well, things may be changing for this mainstay in gentlemanly oriented entertainment. 
   "The times are changing and we want to stay in line with the standards of the day", says company spokesman Cleve Middlins. "We are moving into an era of good taste and high standards and Hooters wants to evolve with the times and present a more wholesome image to its tasteful clientele.
  "Until we can welcome anyone into our fine establishment we must create an environment that anyone can feel comfortable in, and I mean ANYONE!" emphasized Mr. Middlins. "Hooters is revamping its menu and the way it does business.
  "We are committed to providing an atmosphere to which anyone would feel comfortable bringing the entire family."
  The company has invested heavily in its new advertising campaign and is excited to turn a new corner. The restaurants will now be known as Cooters.